"In my 11 years of marriage, he's slapped me only twice. So I consider myself luckier than the ones around me."
Yes.
That is the title.
Read it again.
The most terrifying word in that sentence isn't slapped.
It's only.
Somehow, violence had been negotiated into gratitude.
Somehow, surviving abuse had become a reason to feel lucky.
Try letting it sink in.
Well, guess what? It doesn't.
It keeps floating through my head like something my conscience refuses to drown.
I refuse to let my mind process the string of words that have been stated.
It all began when I was talking to my househelp about how the situation is at her home, back in her village, and what they usually do to uplift or support their female family members.
Spoiler alert: they don't.
She said that they marry their girls off at a very young age.
She told me that they don't let their girls study properly.
She told me that the husbands of these girls beat them up and that it is a very common occurrence.
"My husband has slapped me only twice in our 11 years of marriage and I am really grateful because this is considerably better than the situation of the women back at my village."
I can't get this sentence out of my head. When she told me this; a blanket of melancholy, remorse, and anger settled itself into my soul and disoriented my very sense of what actually is considered normal, a norm, a tradition, a practice.
When I asked her, "Well, did you slap him back?"
Her mouth opened in shock, and she replied, "No, we can't even dream of doing that, let alone raise our voices at our husbands."
Then my mouth opened in shock in utter and absolute shameful disbelief.
I didn't know what to say.
What's more is that it still unsettles me how her tone was so casual.
I had asked the question almost instinctively.
She answered as though I had asked whether she'd had tea that morning.
How can you abuse and call it okay, call it fine, call it a routine?
How is even one slap, one hit, one punch, one filthy curse, okay?
So I asked her again, "Why are you acting like all of this is normal? This is not okay, even if he slapped you once, that's still terrible."
Her reply, "This is better than normal, back in my village, they marry off their girls at the age of 16, some husbands drink alcohol and beat them up. My own elder brother is a drunkard; he locks the room and beats his wife up. One time, one of my relatives beat his wife up so badly that she tried to commit suicide."
Not even tears could hold the enormity of what she had just said, she wasn't merely recounting a story. She was describing the slow erosion of a person's safety, dignity, and voice.
I asked her, "Does no one stand up? How can they accept this? Don't they speak up for themselves? Don't they report? Go to the police? Doesn't anyone raise their voice against such malevolence and take action to halt it?"
She said, "Very few do, some don't care; maybe they do but not enough to stop it, and, most think it's okay. For instance: one moment the wife is getting beaten up, then before you know it she goes up to her husband, tells him food is ready and serves him hot food, forgetting anything ever happened and simply moving on. The thing is everyone thinks this is normal, this is the norm, the standard, and no one really listens."
"In our household, we have a tradition, when the girl gets her period: it is a must that she is placed in a quite, secluded corner of the house, she needs to stay there for 13 days and cannot go out of her room and be seen by any male member, she can only use the restroom at night when everyone in the house is asleep, so she has to hold it in for the entire day. My niece, who's in 4th grade, just got her period... so she has to skip school and follow this tradition; it's a part of our culture. Nothing too serious, we're simply continuing the legacy! What's wrong with that?"
Actually, every fucking thing is wrong with that.
This is another instance of abuse, child abuse, and female abuse if you couldn't figure that out because this is what I heard from another househelp and she said it with complete conviction, as though she were describing nothing more than an ordinary family routine.
She's ten bloody hell.
Ten-year-olds should worry about homework.
About scraped knees.
About cartoons ending too soon.
Not whether they're allowed to use the bathroom.
How numb and brainwashed is your sense of distinguishing between what's right and what's wrong?
Why are women and girls always abused, used, and reduced?
It hurts to be a girl, a woman.
It's a constant trial of fear and caution.
It's the constant foreboding feeling that something bad is going to happen.
It's a constant task to be safe and to make it out alive the next day.
Unless you've lived with that fear, it's arduous to grasp how exhausting it is... not only are we physically abused, but mentally and emotionally tortured as well.
Now, I'd like to emphasize the fact that this is UNIVERSAL.
Indeed, the above cases had a genesis from rural, illiterate, and impoverished backgrounds. However, this happens copiously in urban areas as well. What I mean to say is that abuse is not selective. I know women who have been beaten up brutally in their homes, been cheated on, been abused emotionally for years on end, been made feel worthless and vulnerable, been told to shut up and just take it, and to patiently endure cause apparently that's a woman's job.. in educated and financially secure homes as well.
Again, I'd like to reiterate that abuse is not selective. It can happen anywhere, at anytime and to anyone.
Abuse doesn't care whether a house is made of brick or marble.
It does not ask for an income certificate.
It does not discriminate between villages and penthouses.
Futhermore, violence against women is not sustained by men alone. Sometimes, women become its unwilling custodians.
They are taught to endure, and in turn, they teach endurance.
They are taught that silence is virtue, and in turn, they teach silence.
They are told that suffering is simply a woman's duty, and in turn, they tell the next generation the very same thing.
This is the tragedy of oppression: left unquestioned, it begins to imitate itself. The oppressed can become the protectors of the very systems that once oppressed them. This is not because women are inherently cruel. It is because generations of inequality can become so deeply woven into culture that injustice begins to resemble tradition.
That is why questioning matters.
That is why education matters.
That is why feminism matters.
Progress is not dishonoured by questioning tradition. It is made possible by it.
Always remember, "Each time a woman stands up for herself, she stands up for all women." - Maya Angelou
They mistake abuse to feel power, but oh how little you become, how you expose the smallest parts of yourself; when you steal someon's soul, safety, body, home and voice! How there exists an illusion of power, a fake sense of control; an indulgence in depravity and monstrosity.
When in reality:
Abuse has never been an exhibition of power.
It is power's counterfeit.
Real power protects.
Abuse destroys.
One builds another human being.
The other breaks one apart.
To those who raise their hands against women: history will remember your strength for what it truly was: cowardice disguised as power. Again, there is nothing masculine about making another human being fear you and there is nothing powerful about making another human feel small. So I wish that may God truly fuck your life up!
So Leave women alone.
Stop hurting us.
Stop teaching girls that fear is simply another part of growing up.
Maybe one day, a little girl will tell someone,
"My father never hit my mother."
And nobody will call her lucky.
They'll call her ordinary.
That is the kind of normal worth inheriting.
If this post felt personal...
If you or someone you know is experiencing abuse, please know that you are not alone, and you do not deserve what is happening to you.
Whenever you are able to do so safely, reach out to someone you trust. A friend, a family member, a teacher, a counsellor, or a local support organisation can help you take the next step. Asking for help is not weakness. It is courage.
If you are in India:
- Women's Helpline: 181
- Women's Police Helpline: 1091
- Emergency Services: 112
If you are reading this from another country, please search for your local domestic violence or women's support helpline. There are people who will listen, believe you, and help you.
You deserve to be safe.
You deserve to be believed.
You deserve to be treated with dignity.
And above all, you deserve a life free from fear.
Until then,
Keep asking difficult questions
Keep believing women
Keep refusing to make peace with the word only...
With Love ❤️
Mariyam Shirolkar.